Monday, September 19, 2011

Hijacked


The Woman


I wish he was more assertive.

I wish he knew what I want, what I need, without me having to explain it to him.   

Actually, why can’t he read my mind?

I wish he would take charge and lead so I wouldn’t have to.


The Man


She tells me to lead, to rise up, to be the man.  I step forth, displaying my manhood, attempting to direct.  As I place one foot forward, I glance back to see if she will follow.  She stands, arms folded, a light shaking of her head back and forth, her pointer finger raised, directing me the other way.  I back behind her, taking my place at the rear.  She really didn’t mean it when she told me to lead.  And she wonders why I won’t lead.  Why won’t she let me be the man God made me to be?

It was as if scales let lose from my eyes, and I began to see the problem might partly be me. 

My husband felt uncomfortable making decisions without asking me first, even decisions that did not pertain to me.  It is one thing to ask someone’s opinion; that is sweet, thoughtful.  But I could sense his lack of assuredness in his overall decision making. 

Our family had a man who was afraid to lead and I wasn’t helping the situation.

I had pushed myself into the leadership role and what resulted for me was insecurity, fear, a lack of confidence in my man, resentment, and a disdain for the present position I held.

And so the battle waged within me, the woman.  On one hand I desired to be taken care of, rescued, captivated, and on the other hand, I demanded power, command, control.

Control. 

I feel so uncomfortable without it.

Control over circumstances, over my children, over my husband, even over God.

Can I help you come up with the answer to this prayer God?  I have a few ideas you may find really original.  May I enlighten you?

Really?  Really?!

My word, Janna.  Sometimes I need a good slapping across the face.  Whatever happened to wearing the dainty white gloves that you remove and slap a face when needed?  I remember being with a friend once.  We were doing something big, something emotionally draining, with great urgency.  I was emotionally exhausted, and I broke.  “Christi!  Christi!  I should have said this….  I should have said that…  Christi!!!”  She looked at me, raised her hand up and WHACK! slapped me across my face.  “Calm down, woman!” she said.  I stood there in disbelief staring at her, but you know what?  It was exactly what I needed.  Perspective.  Life isn’t all about me.  Actually it is hardly about me and the sooner I accept this, the better off I will be.

I had married my husband because he was a manly man.  I never doubted in his capability of taking care of me and the children we would procreate together, and I didn’t doubt his ability to lead.  I was attracted to his subtle, strong leadership, the very one I had ended up stifling.  My friend wrapped our relationship up better than I could, “Janna, Dan leads, and always has, in a quiet, respectful, honoring, discerning way.  It is what makes the two of you such a balanced, harmonious union.”  I think that somewhere along the way, I subconsciously snuck in there and began to take control. 

Something tells me he didn’t give up his leadership.

I think it had been hijacked.
 

 By me.

3 comments:

  1. Really good thoughts here... I appreciate your honesty. The temptation to control our husbands is a plague that needs some serious eradication! Actually, I think, control of all sorts needs addressing---in our lives, ... in my life! Thanks for your bold thoughts here.

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  2. I married a similar man... (same name)... I often try to hijack control.
    I'm thankful he's strong enough to stand up to my stubbornness and control-freakiness! :)
    As always, love reading your stuff, and finally have a minute to say so! xx

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  3. Hey!!! I'm glad you found my new blog. I've been so out of it lately, so I had to start over. THis post spoke volumes. My husband is very much the leader in all things - he's just the guy who people naturally defer to. He has that "leadership quality" about him. However, when it comes to spiritual matters, I've had to step up and be the leader in our house. He doesn't have the background, and is so very willing to go to church and take the required steps, but I'm so used to him leading that sometimes I become mousy and lax when it comes to putting God first in our family. I should embrace the opportunity to lead, but it's hard at the same time to deal with the paradigm shift and the desire to be taken care of when you're so used to that.

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