Saturday, August 6, 2011

My First Kiss

Once a week I take a moment to interrupt my simple life journey to share with you some extra bonus material to make you smile.  Enjoy!

It had to be him.  No one else would do.  I hand picked him for this important moment of my life.  My first kiss.

I was feeling especially amorous toward him that night.  I knew it was time.  I looked over at him, “You looking at me?" I said in my most sultry of voices.  I smoothly made my way toward him.  "Well, Mr. Handsome Man, I've got my eyes on you.”  I began walking his way, “Oh yeah, Baby, here I come.”

And before I knew it, I was in his grasp and he was passionately  kissing me on the lips.  I had no choice but to respond.  His cold, firm plastic lips pressed firmly against my full, very responsive ones.

He was a poster, protected from U V radiation with a polycarbonate resin so he could be mine forever.

And it wasn't the return I had expected.

It was so.... one sided.

Finally I pulled myself away, shying back as a young lady appropriately should.   I looked back at him shocked at what had just taken place.  Did that just happen?  No, it couldn’t have.  But it did.  And there was proof.  As I turned and walked away from my postered lover, my mark remained.  There upon his lips was a lipstick stamp in the shape of my puckered lips.  I’ll wipe it off later, I thought to myself.  Tomorrow.  I won’t forget.  I went to bed that night dreaming of Dr. Jones rescuing me from natives, snakes, and bugs.  No one would find out about our love.  “Our moment” was a secret that only he and I shared.

Procrastination.  Never a good thing.  Tomorrow came, and the lipstick mark fell from the forefront of my mind until its presence drifted from my mind all together.  Wiping it off wasn’t a big deal anyway. 

It had been a while since our expression of love.  I was cleaning my room, picking up the dirty clothes from my floor, making my bed, and placing my things in order.

“Janna, is this yours?” my younger brother walked into my room holding a pile of my clean laundry in his hands.  I turned around to look at what he was holding when I noticed that his attention was suddenly drawn to something behind me, in the direction of my Harrison Ford poster.  I slowly turned my head around to see where his line of vision was leading.  No!  Quickly I turned back around just in time to catch his facial expressions change.  He no longer cared about the laundry.  A suspicious smirk spread across his face, then slowly changed into a Cheshire cat grin, which then quickly advanced into a complete hilarious laugh attack, “Janna, did you….?” he asked as he gasped for air to continue.

“Did-you-kiss," laughter, wheezing, laughter, "the-Indiana-Jones-poster?” his body convulsing through a fit of hysteria and tears. 

The evidence!  Fool, I had forgotten to rid of the evidence! 

What was I to do?  The only two choices I had quickly dashed through my mind. 

1.  I could kill him now so my secret will remain safely hidden forever.


2.  I could jump on him and attack him so to distract him from what he “thinks” he just saw. 

I chose number 2- attack.  All of a sudden I found myself riding on the back of a bucking bull as I was gripping onto his eyeball sockets.   I began screaming as loudly as I could, “You didn’t see anything!  You didn’t see anything!”  I tried waving my hand in front of his face while saying it, a frantic attempt at the Jedi Mind Trick.  Yes, that would do it.  He wouldn’t remember anything. 

Noooo!  The Jedi mind trick wasn’t working!

“No!  I didn’t!” I yelled as I wrestled him to the ground. “No one will believe you,” I said as I held him down.

“Oh, yes, yes, they will,” he retaliated. 

And yes, yes, they would believe him. 

Because it was very, very believable.  I had an obsession.  And it was widely known.

There beside my bed was a small table covered with carefully placed framed pictures, posters, and whatever memorabilia I could find that reminded me of him, my lover.  His words echoed in my dreams....

“My hands are dirty,” she said as he pulled her close against his body. 
“My hands are dirty too,” the rustic, rough Han answered back.
And then he kissed her. 

It got me every time. 

I replayed the scenario over and over again with my Han Solo and Princess Leia action figures.  Their hands were always dirty and they were always kissing. 

And then my obsession was passionately sustained by this:

Indiana Jones: You know what your problem is, Princess? You're too used to getting your own way.
Willie: And you're too proud to admit that you're crazy about me, Dr. Jones!
Indiana Jones: If you want me Willie, you know where to find me.
Willie: Five minutes. You'll be back over here in five minutes.
Indiana Jones: I'll be asleep in five minutes.
Willie: Five. You know it, and I know it.

Someday he would be mine.

Or maybe sometimes I would just pretend.

Me and Dan Solo (my husband)

Ever had a celebrity crush?  Please tell me you did.  Who?


  1. this is great, loved every moment of this 'adventure' with THE MAN him self.

  2. janna, you are hysterical. thanks for the laugh.

    i may or may not have kissed a photo of mr. ford before:)

  3. That was so wonderfully hilarious! The actors I crushed turned out to be gay... Doogie Howser was all I wanted but he would never have wanted me.

  4. Celebrity Crush # 1: Kirk Cameron... followed by TOO many to mention. :) But yes, I had some giant Kirk posters on my wall in high school. And even as a grown woman, I have a small 'mutant' crush on Hugh Jackman (but really only when he plays Wolverine... otherwise I don't care that much. It's the adamantium claws, I tell ya.)

  5. PS. The photoshopping is great. And PSS. My husband knows about my Hugh Jackman / Wolverine crush. We even have a magnet on our fridge with his pic. That's okay, too, because he has a crush on Ashley Judd.


  7. Janna I laughed SO hard!! My celeb crush in jr. high/early high school was Robert Downey Jr. And since I'm now happily married in my 30's, I thought I was over that nonsense. I swear it's been over a decade since I've had a celeb crush. I SWEAR!! But then I re-watched all the X-Men movies. And I have a crush. I am praying... ;)

  8. Hahahaha!!
    Well I'm NOT going to admit that I had posters of Leonardo Dicaprio on my wall... I may/may not have shared a one-sided kiss also.
    I'm glad I didn't marry him in the end though, he's not aging too well in my opinion! ;)

  9. Good sense of humor!
    Nice post! Keep it coming!

  10. Ricky Schroder, ...silver spoons... the posters covered my walls.

  11. Awesome Janna! I love him too! Can not believe he's gonna be 70 - and he still looks good!

  12. Haha... yes, I've had celebrity crushes. Justin Timberlake... Backstreet boys --- I don't think any one in particular, though.

  13. I had many celebrity crushes, Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Joshua Jackson definitely topped the list. One of my favorite teachers in high school didn't have a crush on Han Solo or Luke, she had a crush on Chewbacca : ) She was a little bit strange and a lot bit awesome!