Saturday, May 28, 2011

Mom Jeans

Once a week I take a moment to interrupt my simple life journey for extra bonus material.  A recipe, decorating ideas, a tip, or a post to make you smile.



We all know what Mom Jeans are, and if you are reading this and you don’t know what Mom Jeans are, then you might be wearing them.  

Mom Jeans are pants that a designer created in the 1980s, and this designer, whomever he or she was, must have been laughing their head off at the sad joke they were playing on every mom in America.  For the Mom Jean was quite an invention.  To create a pair of pants that makes someone look as if they are 3 sizes bigger than they actually are takes a reasonable amount of talent and genius.  And how did they do so?  Well, it was rather simple. 

All that was needed was to create a pant with a waist that would sit well above the woman’s bellybutton, therefore resulting in the appearance of an enlarging of the gut area.  Did you just have a baby?  No, it’s my jeans.  They cradle my abdomen area ever so intently, resulting in an enhancement of this area.  Just what a woman wants to bring attention to. 

And now for the hips.  How can we make them look bigger, wider?  There must be a way.  And there was with these amazing jeans.

What about the thighs?  Add extra material around the thighs.  Wait.  More.  More.  More.  Okay, that looks great.  Her thighs will look huge.  She will look fantastic.     

Lastly, the tapering of the legs to make sure the woman looks shorter, midget like. Because women want to look shorter.  

There! Voila’!  You have Mom Jeans. 

Every mom in America in the 1980s was baited, brainwashed, and bought a pair. 

Including my mother. 

“Mom, how do those jeans make you look so big?”  I asked my mom sincerely.

“Oh, Janna.  Stop it.”

“No, Mom.  I am not kidding.  You really aren’t that large.”

This arguing over Mom Jeans went on….

and on...

For years.

All the mothers of the 80s eventually figured out what they were wearing by walking past a mirror in the mall and looking at themselves.  I remember seeing the moms’ faces, jaw-dropping horror, embarrassment, when consciousness finally came to visit them.  All that time they spent in the gym! when all they needed to do was burn their jeans.

Then came the 90s, and my mother was the only mother still wearing Mom Jeans.  She was the last mom to receive the memo that these pants were a mean joke. 

My mother ignored my pleads, she disregarded my cries, and she trampled on my advice.

But hope was about to visit me!  One day I happened upon an intervention. 

My husband and I were watching Saturday Night Live, which we have on and off for years, and to my sheer delight, I laid my eyes upon the skit that would convince my mother the truth about Mom Jeans. 

I invited my mother over to my house, and I sat her on my couch facing the t.v.  Gently, tenderly, I said to her, "Mom, I have something I need to show you, and I want you to pay real close attention to it."

I was so excited to finally have another source besides myself to wipe away the Mom Jean blindness from her eyes.  This would be it.  We would burn her jeans together.  It would be a wonderful mother/daughter activity that would bond us together forever.

The video played.  I watched my mom's face intently.  I was excited to witness first hand the unveiling of the blindness of her eyes that was 10 years overdue. 
This was my only hope:
 




The video came to completion.

There she sat silently staring at the t.v.

"Mom?"  I called out her name.  Her response might be more dramatic than anticipated.  Maybe I should hug her, hold her, pat her on the back for support.

And then she spoke.

With her jaw dropped open wide, she turned her head to look me in the eyes, and said with all seriousness,

"I need to go to J.C. Penny and get myself some of those jeans."

17 comments:

  1. Love it! It's so not a good look for ANYone. I am thankful and fortunate that my mother has gotten this message...

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  2. This was the good laugh i needed today! Thanks!

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  3. Classic! That is hysterical. Did she go get the jeans??

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  4. HAHAHA why are you SO funny?!?!?!!??! ohh my gosh you have me lauphing! I needed a good giggle!

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  5. This was hilarious - I loved it!

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  6. Hahaha. Gotta LOVE the 80's!!! :)

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  7. I love that story! Keep the laughter coming!

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  8. This post made me laugh so hard. I am still laughing two days later!

    Judita

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  9. best post of my life. this is hilarious haha :)

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  10. You have me totally cracking up - I love that SNL skit!

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  11. Just came across your blog! This is so hilarious... great post, you definitely made me laugh!

    Loving your blog:)

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  12. Ahh, I have the BEST aunt and cousin!! No ONE makes me laugh like the two of you girls!! love and miss ya!! xoxo
    laura

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  13. I'm dying laughing! That is hysterical...and very similar to conversations I've had with my mom. Maybe we should start buying their jeans for them????

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  14. We fight the same battle, Janna. My mother is CONVINCED that light-blue, tapered-ankle, high-waisted jeans (that make her belly look way bigger than it is)somehow make her look taller, leaner, and thinner. I don't know how to tell her: NO, it's not true. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. We've at least convinced her to get some Gloria Vanderbilt dark-rinse, straight-leg jeans ... okay, so the waist is still a bit high, but the rinse, and leg cut is way better. And it's a step in the right direction.

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