Tuesday, April 19, 2011
What are my Values?
My values? Oh, that’s an easy question to answer.
Hmmm, then why am I spending the least amount of my focused time on them?
When life gets crazy, overwhelming, busy, what is the first to be cut?
Oooo, I cringe to say the answer: God, my husband (and sex), and my children.
I take this in. I do not want to forget this realization.
Do they even notice?
We sat at the dinner table in silence, each of us in a thought world of our own. We are doing what we are supposed to. Eating dinner together. My children won’t rebel in their teenage years. I have read the correlative studies.
But is it the act of eating that brings a family close together?
My mind is on too many other things to spark up a conversation that would hold the attention of us all. I don’t have the mental energy to talk about Diego, Legos, and Dora the Explorer. I don’t want to bring up Dora the Explorer anyway because my daughter keeps thanking her for our food at dinnertime prayers. I can see she deals with a little bit of idolatry in her heart there. Don’t want to encourage that. It's gotten bad enough.
The ringing of the phone broke the silence of our meal.
I jumped up to get it. It was a call I had been expecting. I did the silent pointing of my finger toward the phone indicating to my husband that I needed to take this call. I exited mid dinner.
I remember my dad always being interrupted by the phone at dinnertime. I always resented it. I loathed his real estate business because of it.
But this was different.
This was an important phone call for me. The song The Cat’s in the Cradle and the Silver Spoon began playing in the back of my mind. I cut it short when it got to the part, “When you comin home Dad, I don’t know when…..” I didn’t need to feel guilty about this. I wasn’t doing the same thing… or was I?
Once the kids were all in bed and the kitchen was all picked up, my husband’s affections turned toward me, or rather “turned on” toward me.
“Dan, I am tired. Not tonight, please.”
When did his attention lose its appeal to me? When did I begin to take his affections for granted? I am just too tired, worn out. I have nothing left to give. It has all been sapped from me today, and yesterday, and the day before.
If love has to be cultivated, I am not doing a very good job at it.
Am I too busy to be loved by him?
My Bible and journal sit on the shelf.
He is waiting. His love burns for my heart, and my heart aches to be filled by Him. My soul is empty.
How does an empty soul feel so heavy?
Am I too busy to be loved by Him?
Do they notice I haven’t made them my priority?
If they haven’t noticed, they will soon. The ‘second best’ always figures out their place in your heart or, better said, lack of place.
I am going to do something about this.