Tuesday, April 19, 2011

What are my Values?


My values?  Oh, that’s an easy question to answer. 

God. 
My husband. 
My children. 

Of course.

Hmmm, then why am I spending the least amount of my focused time on them?

When life gets crazy, overwhelming, busy, what is the first to be cut? 

Oooo, I cringe to say the answer:  God, my husband (and sex), and my children.  

Pause.

I take this in.  I do not want to forget this realization.

Gulp.

Do they even notice?

*****
We sat at the dinner table in silence, each of us in a thought world of our own.  We are doing what we are supposed to.  Eating dinner together.  My children won’t rebel in their teenage years.  I have read the correlative studies. 

But is it the act of eating that brings a family close together? 

My mind is on too many other things to spark up a conversation that would hold the attention of us all.  I don’t have the mental energy to talk about Diego, Legos, and Dora the Explorer.  I don’t want to bring up Dora the Explorer anyway because my daughter keeps thanking her for our food at dinnertime prayers.  I can see she deals with a little bit of idolatry in her heart there.  Don’t want to encourage that.  It's gotten bad enough.



The ringing of the phone broke the silence of our meal. 

I jumped up to get it.  It was a call I had been expecting.  I did the silent pointing of my finger toward the phone indicating to my husband that I needed to take this call.  I exited mid dinner. 

I remember my dad always being interrupted by the phone at dinnertime.  I always resented it.  I loathed his real estate business because of it. 

But this was different. 

This was an important phone call for me.  The song The Cat’s in the Cradle and the Silver Spoon began playing in the back of my mind.  I cut it short when it got to the part, “When you comin home Dad, I don’t know when…..”  I didn’t need to feel guilty about this.  I wasn’t doing the same thing… or was I?

Once the kids were all in bed and the kitchen was all picked up, my husband’s affections turned toward me, or rather “turned on” toward me. 

 
“Dan, I am tired.  Not tonight, please.”

When did his attention lose its appeal to me?  When did I begin to take his affections for granted?  I am just too tired, worn out.  I have nothing left to give.  It has all been sapped from me today, and yesterday, and the day before. 

If love has to be cultivated, I am not doing a very good job at it. 

Am I too busy to be loved by him?

*****
My Bible and journal sit on the shelf.


He is waiting.  His love burns for my heart, and my heart aches to be filled by Him.  My soul is empty. 

How does an empty soul feel so heavy? 

Am I too busy to be loved by Him?


Do they notice I haven’t made them my priority?

If they haven’t noticed, they will soon.  The ‘second best’ always figures out their place in your heart or, better said, lack of place.

I am going to do something about this.

12 comments:

  1. Such an honest, good post! Really appreciated it. Thank you. Our true values do show forth in what we do, don't they? I remember a pastor once saying... if you want to see what people value--- look at their calendar, and their checkbook. Ouch, is right. Bless you in this journey forward and upward~ Steph

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  2. I remember, before kids, thinking how glad I was that I was not one of those women that did not want sex. Then life changed. We had our first child and my desire was all but gone. I called my doctor, I wanted to want my husband all the time again, I wanted a perspiration to "fix" me.

    My Doctor said "you have a new love now". It was not what I wanted to hear but it was true, I was getting my need for physical touch met.

    Life, our priorities, our attention and our intentions change all the time.

    If you recognize that you don't feel good about where you are at this moment, feel it, think about it and find what you need to do to be where you need to be.

    Thank you for sharing your story,

    elena

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  3. Wow. Such a great post. I like your conclusion, "I am going to do something about this."
    Me too. Me too.

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  4. I am going to call you at dinner time just to make sure you don't answer...wait that means I will be leaving my kids alone at the table while I am making sure you are focused on yours.
    Good reminders!
    xoxo

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  5. It is so great that you have realized this. Some people don't realize it until too much time has passed. I am learning, too, how important it is to know specifically what it is you value, make a list of these values, and, like you said that you are going to do something about it, make life decisions based on this list. Thank you so much, friend, for helping me realize all of this so much recently.

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  6. http://youtu.be/ke6rXTM8uAs

    Janna this song it's a special dedicace for you and Dan. After having read your blog post, I want to help you with this music. This man had The power of love. Really he had a lot of love story with a lot of beautiful women (Brigitte Bardot, Catherine Deneuve...)
    ;-) Good luck !

    Stephanie from Paris

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  7. Lol. Come on Janna! Go buy some lingerie for Dan and show him a good time . . . the Fredericks of Hollywood stuff . . . don't be afraid to get a little trashy!

    P.S. Sorry to hear about that idolatrous heart in your daughter . . . tough break!

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  8. Hi Janna,

    I thought I was Karl's sister, but I think I am yours (your soul sister that is!) Love where you are at and what you are sharing! I am on that same exact path and am so grateful to have found it! I love not living for where society thinks I should be, but instead for where God see's me aligning my true values best! God bless you and your family with peace and love :) It is exciting stuff...so freeing!

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  9. Nice to meet you Dannette, I mean sister Dannette. So glad to have you on board.

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  10. Thank you so much for this!! Your honesty is like a breath of fresh air. "I am going to do something about this" too.

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