Friday, March 18, 2011

Who is Leading This Family?

“What about moving out of state, Janna?”   

My husband looked at me with hopeful eyes.   My husband deep down is a mountain man living in a cage called “the city.”  Dan is tall, dark, handsome, and hairy- the perfect mountain man candidate.  Not that you have to be hairy to be a mountain man.  But from all of the mountain men I have seen on t.v., I am thinking it has to be a prerequisite.  

I answered, “No way.  Never.  I would never leave my family.  I would never leave my friends.  Dan, don’t even ask me to.”  

I love my family.  I love my friends; they are like family to us and to our children.  They are known by the titles “aunt” and “uncle.”  Their children call us the same.  There is so much depth there, I could not possibly leave.

I looked my husband in the eyes and said, “I will never move far away.”  Deep down I heard a question within my heart, “If God has a different plan for me and asks me to leave these people and this place called home, would I?”  My answer to that question in my mind was, “No, I won’t leave even if God asks me to.” 

I turned my eyes to the heavens and said, “Don’t ask me to, God.”

It was not a state of defiance, but it loomed dangerously close to the edge.

My husband’s eyes fell to the ground.  His dream was shot down by me.  As he walked away downtrodden, a thought passed through my mind.

Who really is the leader of our family here?

I knew the answer, but I dared not say it out loud. 

Maybe just in writing.

It was me. 

I thought back to other decisions made for our family.  Hmm, they all seemed to have been made by me, oh, by me and my closest friend, Anita.  I can recall my husband asking me, “Well, then, do you think this is a good idea?”  My answer, “Let me talk to Anita first, and you talk to my dad.”  When did I start relying so much on my friend Anita and my dad to become the final decision makers in this family of ours?  I am sure my husband had the same question.  He is so easy going, it didn't seemed to bother him. 
I wondered to myself, have I stripped him of his manhood? 

Life seemed to be leading to many changes, not just the location in which I lived.  Things in my life had begun to stir.  I hate change.  Change is painful to me. 

I could foresee a lot of pain in my near future. 


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  2. I admire your honesty and understand. =) Gotta watch out for us headstrong girls. Kudos for the transparency.

  3. I so appreciate your honest wrestling here... your vulnerability. And, you questions. I, too, hate change. And, I hate pain! I feel I am in a constant conversation with the Lord about my plans and His. Surrender. Trust. His Goodness. ...all pieces of our dialog. No easy answers. Just real conversation with my Kind Father in Heaven. Blessed by your post.